Mourning

Coping With The Loss Of A Pet

Our pets live relatively short lives in comparison to ourselves.  For many of us, their death may be as painful as the death of a relative or friend.  Even for those of us who do not share the same emotional investment in our pets, the death of an animal leaves few people totally untouched.

Your grief may be compounded by lack of response from a friend or family member.  Realize that you do not need anyone else's approval to mourn the loss of your pet, nor must you justify your feelings to anyone.  Do not fault anyone who cannot appreciate the depth of your grief for a pet.  The comfort found in the companionship of a pet is a blessing not provided nor appreciated by everyone.

Michigan State University has a Pet Loss Support Hotline that may be of assistance to you also. 517-432-2696

STAGES OF MOURNING

Denial and Isolation:

The first reaction to learning of terminal illness or death of a cherished pet is to deny the reality of the situation.  This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.

Anger:

As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge.  We are not ready.  The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger.  The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family.  Anger may be directed at our dying or deceased pet.  Rationally, we know the animal is not to be blamed.  Emotionally, however, we may resent it for causing us pain or for leaving us.  We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us angrier.

The veterinarian that diagnosed the illness, was unable to cure the disease or performed euthanasia of the pet might become a convenient target.  Health professionals deal with death and dying every day.  That does not make them immune to the suffering of their patients or to those who grieve for them.

Bargaining:

The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control.  If only we had sought medical attention sooner.  If we had gotten a second opinion from anouther doctor.  If we had changed our pet's diet, maybe it would have gotten well.

Depression:

Two types of depression are associated with mourning.  The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss.  Sadness and regret predominate.  We worry about the cost of treatment and burial.  We worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us.  This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance.  We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words.

The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private.  It is our quiet preparation to spearate and to bid our pet farewell.  Sometimes all we really need is a hug.

Acceptance:

Reaching this stage of mourning is a gift not afforded to everyone.  Death may be sudden and unexpected or we may never see beyond our anger or denial.  It is not necessarily a mak of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny ourselves the opportunity to make our peace.  This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm.  This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression.

Pets that are terminally ill or aging appear to go through a final period of withdrawal.  This is by no means a suggestion that they are aware of their own mortality, only that physical decline may be sufficient to produce a similar response.  Their behavior implies that it is natural to reach a stage at which social interaction is limited.  The dignity and grace shown by our dying pets may well be their last gift to us.

EXPLAINING PET LOSS TO YOUR CHILD

It is natural to want to protect our children from painful experiences.  Most adults, however, are surprised to find how well most children adjust to the death of a pet if they are prepared with honest, simple explanations.  From a young age, children begin to understand the concept of death, even though they may be unaware of it at a conscious level.

When a pet is dying, it may be more difficult for a child to resolve the grief experienced if the child is not told the truth.  Adults should avoid using terms like "put to sleep" when discussing euthanasia of a family pet.  A child could misinterpret this common phrase, indicating the adult's denial of death, and develop a terror of bedtime.  Suggesting to a child that "God has taken" the pet might create conflict in the child, who could become angry at God for cruelty toward a pet and the child.

Children are capable of understanding, each in their own way that life must end for all living things.  Support their grief by acknowledging their pain.  The death of a pet can be an opportunity for a child to learn that adult caretakers can be relied upon to extend comfort and reassurance.  It is an important opportunity to encourage a child to express his or her feelings.  We offer story books that are written especially for children to help them cope in siturations of loss.  These are available for you to share with your child if you se desire.